Chuckles

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.

I was caught cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

May I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Committee - A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'm willing to make an exception.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Psychiatrist - someone who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.