Chuckles

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.

I was caught cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

May I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Committee - A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'm willing to make an exception.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Psychiatrist - someone who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.

Make The Pie Higher

This poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George Bush.

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!